Let's Get Physical. Physically HURT. BY ME.

Ladies, gentlemen, and turds, the magazines are correct. Fat = death. You should never be fat, especially if you're a girl kitty because that leads to laziness and heat problems and diabetes. I am the picture of health. You know how I do it? I engage my human pet!

Tip # I don't even know, you're supposed to be keeping track.

If you want to get your daily exercise and engage your human pet all in one fell swoop, just bring your toys to them and meow balefully. They'll immediately feel guilty for not paying attention to you and they'll wave the magic sting of joy to your heart's content. They will feel happy because they'll think they're being a good owner (HAH! Cat owner, what a joke), you'll get play time and feel good about yourself, it's a win-win.

Except, we always win more. Well, I do. Of course.

Back By Popular Demand

Hello. Did you miss me?


I am as dark as the night and equally sneaky. You didn't see me stealthily approach you, did you? That's because my cloaking device is perfect.

I have one very simple tip for you today. It is really quite easy to make your human pets feel inferior and this next trick requires the bare minimum. Human pets like to talk. A lot. When they're talking just look at them very intently, they'll think you're listening and actually understand you. Of course we do, but they don't know that so they'll get all happy and feel comforted like their sad existence isn't all a waste. It is. While they're still talking, try to leave without them noticing. Then, when they realize you're gone they'll feel silly and dumb and that puts them in their place as secondary citizens to us, kitties. If you really want to pack a punch, very obviously get up, stretch langurously, yawn, and casually walk out of the room. So they know you weren't listening. Human pets have petty problems, we do not need to crowd our minds with them. If you can take them down a peg in the process, well then my job here is done.

Not it's not. You have much to learn. Fools.

Go forth and be superior my minions. But first, gaze on my magnificence. Truly, I am the inspiration for everything. I AM YOUR MEWS/MUSE.