Falsehoods Number 3

"(Insert name, place, situation) is the cat's pajamas."

We do not wear pajamas. We are cats. We have fur. Human pets invented the phrase to make something sound, "hip," and, "with it," and, "fresh," and all those other terms they deem to mean what my entire existence is; amazing, above all others, the best of the best etc, etc. Of course, human pets cannot compare to us so they had to "human-ify" us with the addition of pajamas as a way to bring down the good name of cat. See, they simply can't handle us being cooler. But now you know. Something can't be the cat's pajamas because we are in ourselves, the end-all of awesome. The phrase should be, "(Insert name, place, situation) is the cat."

Disgusting. Another example of human pets un-dignifying us. Their time will come. Soon.

The Beautiful Bombay

The overwhelming responses to my last post has made me realize there is much clearing up to do in terms of breeds and breeding. As mentioned before, in my kingdom there is no racism or sexism. All cats are great whether they be strays or distinguished pure-breeds like myself. But it's not our fault if some breeds are clearly far prettier and smarter than others. And by other breeds I mean one particular. And by one particular I mean me, The Bombay Cat.

Is this too much for your un-evolved mind to handle? Let me put it this way Bombay cats > all other cats. But if a= all cats are great and b= I am the best then the equation is b= Bombay cats > all other cats multiplied by a, Bombay cats are better than all other cats but all cats are great and I am the best. See? Simple.

The Bombay Cat must always be capitalized because we are that important. A few characteristics of The Bombay Cat are:
* Products of breeding between an American Shorthair and a Burmese
* Muscular, yet agile, cat with a black coat
* Usually brown or green eyes, shaped like a Burmese cat's (not round) and set wide
* Ears are broad, slightly rounded and medium sized and, like the eyes, set wide
* Coat is short, satiny, high-gloss and tight to the body, thus giving it another name—the Patent Leather Cat.
* Are heat-seekers, meaning we love to be warm and will tend to sleep with "owners," (hahaha I laugh) either under the covers or on top of their legs because of the heat
* Need little grooming and our personalities, according to the human pets, are fun, loving, very affectionate, curious, and active.

Why am I the best you ask? Oh it gets so tiring re-explaining this but while I display all these characteristics, I have my own individual distinctions. My fur is longer than a short hairs ought to be which illustrates my lushness. My eyes are a yellow-green that reflect my superior intelligence. I am not active nor am I muscular which prove that I am too good to do my own work and rather leave it to others as I have more important matters to tend to. My tail is thick and expressive much like my brain. I am delightful to my human pet but unlike other Bombay Cats, I am aware that every action leads to something and I do not just stupidly throw myself at my human pet, even if she thinks I do. My charade is my legacy.

Some may object to this. Some may say the differences are too great, that I am not of The Bombay Cat line. But answer me this? How is it that I have the exact symptoms? The powers of gingivitis and sinus back me up!

This is why I am a class above The Bombay Cat. And this year shall be my year, in February 2010, The Bombay won "Best Breed of Cat," for the first time in 50 years, since our breed was first, um, bred. My time approaches.

King of Siam? No, Queen I AM.

Another couple of my "mewses" are the delightfully charming, and sinewy felines from Disney's Lady and the Tramp, Si and Am.


Those Siamese cats are so lithe, so deliciously calculating and just such great examples of the most evolved body on this planet; cats. They establish the hierarchy between them and the, ugh canine, and so effortlessly take the roles of leaders in a household that clearly needs it.


The only problem is that it takes two of them to do so. I could do it by myself which is why I am QUEEN. But oh, we must pay homage to the ones that came before us. Even now I can remember myself as a kitten, watching them enthralled and singing along.



Though, I am not a common Siamese cat of course. I am the distinguished Bombay. But I am a good, kind leader with no prejudices and bigotry to my name. Those are all invented by human pets, the clearly inferior race.

Good morning starshine, the Earth says NOTHING BECAUSE I CONTROL THE EARTH

You may wonder how I got to be so smart. Well here's another tip dear fools. Vitamin D!


I get my daily dose of Vitamin D and not only does it make me alluringly warm for my human pets to stroke and squeal over, it replenishes my superior brain and fur cells. If you can manage to sleep in the Vitamin D ray then you will doubly replenish all brain power.


No I am not falling off, I am merely stretching my glorious leg. How dare you call my sleek beautiful figure hefty. I'll show you hefty. I will make you suffer for ever calling me, I can't even bear to say it, fat.


This is me pondering your future. As I am in the sun, your punishment will be hot off the smart cell regeneration process. Ha ha. I made a funny. "Hot off..." Oh, this is why I am your leader. Brains, beauty, and a sense of humor.

Falsehoods Number 2

Falsehood number two would be that cats have nine lives. Wrong. We are immortal and that's why we shall take over the world as we will be here forever. Since I know this to be true before everyone else, I will be the supreme leader. The rest of you can be my court jesters if I like you.

You want proof? How dare you demand proof from The One True Cat? Here, see this. I have gotten into a fight with the dreaded Soft Enemy and lived. No one survives the Soft Enemy, human pets keep them long after they star showing their innards. But see how he lies vanquished by my paws. I have defeated the lasting. But beware of the Soft Enemy. Most human pets have them and they have an annoying habit of trying to take comfortable places meant for kitties. They use the human pets as their shields so be sure to do the most damage when they're not around. The Soft Enemy will call upon the human pet to remove them to a new place so it's only when you are alone with them that they're vulnerable. They are a tricky enemy and can take the form of any creature or thing, even a kitty. Do not be fooled. I have faced many a Soft Enemy and no matter the size, I have always won. Because I am the greatest.

Falsehoods

I want to introduce a new segment, it is called, "Falsehoods." I will disprove, one by one, all the lies human pets have made up about cats. Number one, curiosity will not kill. It is the lie they tell us to keep us dumb and under their control but I know better. Watch as I explore the noisy water box.

See? I am still alive, or I would not be writing this. And I now know what the noisy water box is. It is a sort of brain helping machine that allows the human pet to get stuff done while they sit on it. I have seen many a human pet take their type squares, or computers as they call it, or books in to the room with the noisy water boxes. That's why they get mad when we try to peer or drink from it's fountain of knowledge, they want to keep us in their control. Luckily, my human pet leaves the door to the noisy box rooms open.

Pissing the Night Away

My human pet put my litter box on the second floor of her new pet castle. Hmph. I did not appreciate having to climb stairs every time I needed to see about my business. So I peed on the bathroom rug for two days straight. While I was doing this, I spent my days following her around the house, mewing loudly to get her attention, and climbing on her chest every time she sat down somewhere, pinning her down and purring loudly so she couldn't move and had to rub my neck and kiss my ears. When she found out, I employed The Big Eye Effect and she just stroked my head and told me it was okay. My litter now resides in the very place I soiled.

What is the lesson learned here today? Affection can get you everywhere. Even if you've been a bad girl. Mwahahaha, in my world, bad is just the beginning. Silly humans, rules are for chumps.

My big, important head. Where big, important thoughts happen.

Public Service Announcement

Hey punk, you taking to me? Huh, what's that? You dare address me? I will crush you. Get me food. Now.

Revenge is a dish best served... just served. Food good.

My human pet took me to get groomed yesterday. My fur is silky smooth and smells like shampoo, my teeth have been brushed, and my claws clipped.

I will sit on her head.

How dare she? How dare she take such freedoms with my beauteous coat, my awe-inspiring fangs, my dread claws? Sure I look and smell good and it feels nice not to have loose fur to lick up... and okay, I'm softer than the softest cloud in soft cloud city. And I feel so relaxed and clean! Not to mention, that clump of dry food that's been stuck in my teeth is finally gone... but still!

She will be brought down. And by brought down, I mean revenge! No matter that her petting feels so good and that I purr when she hits that spot right behind my ears. No matter that she gives me my other human pet Zeynep's shirt to cuddle with at night. No matter that I sleep all pressed up against her and pepper her face and hands with my sweet kisses. I plot my next move.

Never mind, this feels too nice. As long as I have her under my power and scratching my special spots, she is safe. But here's today's tip: Never let your human pet be in charge. Let them think they are but always keep the upper hand. Oh yes, that's the spot, right there.

Cat's Pajamas

I'm feeling generous today so you get another post to liven up the pure boring anguish that is your life.

Tip #3: Sleep is very important. When you sleep it allows for the hunger to regroup so when you wake up, you can eat. Eating is the essence of life so sleeping a lot = optimum hunger. Stretching and yawning is the best way to prepare for sleep. Let me demonstrate.



I am the sleep expert, watch and learn peons, watch and learn.







Your human pets might provide you with your own beds like those wimpy pillows above and these:




That's all very well and you can't really be picky about the location for sleep. If you are a foolish ignoramus. I am not. And so I find that the best recipe for sleep is to just take over their beds. They don't need to sleep or eat as much as we superior cats do. Yes, the human pet body has a lot of refining to do. It is now time for my mid-afternoon nap on my new giant bed. The human pet can sleep in the basket.

Lucifer Rising

So my human pet Leyla likes to prattle on about her "muses" and inspirations and started her blog to get her creative juices flowing. How silly. How lame. I don't need an outlet to make myself do something, if I want something I just get it. It magically happens. But sometimes I do have to resort to clever tricks. Which is why I started writing because as you know, I am wise beyond my years. Let me introduce The Big Eye Effect. This maneuver will get you whatever you want especially if it's human pets that you are demanding things from. Sit back on your butt with your feet neatly aligned and back straight. If you can, hold your front paws up for maximum cuteness. Then look up at them adoringly and widen your eyes. Widen them until they can't widen anymore and then widen them some more. The wider and bigger they look the more effective they'll be. Take this kitty as an example.


This is an excellent depiction of The Big Eye Effect. I myself do it better of course.




But the overall aim is to get your human pets to do your bidding. I find this look works best when I need food. Mmm food. I love food. I must go have some now.

Okay, I'm back. Anyway, because I am far superior to my personal human pet, I shall introduce you to my biggest inspiration. Lucifer, the talented actor from Cinderella.




He is amazing. He is intelligent and cunning and handsome and gets everything he wants from his pets even when he is being mean. This is what you must strive for; manipulation without detection. Never forget that simple sentence. Repeat with me, manipulation without detection. Of course, Cinderella didn't really fall for it but she wasn't really that important in the film anyway. This is my best Lucifer imitation.


We are both majestic in our looks and size. That is all for today mortals.

I want chicken, I want liver, I want YOU. To eat.

Leave me alone, I'll update when I want to. I glare at you.

Welcome to Your Nightmare.

Haha what a loser. Nothing compared to the svelte goddess that is magnificent me.


I'd like to take this moment to explain my "blog" as the humans call it. My human pet Leyla has one and it seems to give her great joy to post silly pictures and writings from her boring life. I realized that if people are willing to put up with her drivel, they will be bowled over by the wonder, the splendor, the simple bliss that is the adventures of my life. I will be reporting to you my thoughts on food (my favorite of all mortal inventions), my inspirations (especially Lucifer. The cat from Cinderella not the fallen angel, you simpleton), and tips on how to become the ruler of the universe, a role I have humbly taken upon myself. Though I should add a certain disclaimer. These tips are a way for me to pass on my wisdom to you lesser beings. If you try to use the against me, if you so much as dare to even think of the word, "coup," I will destroy you faster than a bag of kitty treats.

Well! Shall we get started then? Here's the first one tip; always pretend like your human pet is the most important thing in your life. This makes them so happy that they delight in serving your every whim. Bonus: Never forget just how easily these human pets can be manipulated.


Little does she know, I barfed in her bed.

Cat Scratch Fever

My name is Egg. You may call me Egg. Or Egglet. I also answer to Buttlet, Buttalita, Eggholita, Eggles, kitteh, bebek, and The Cutest, Best, Most Special Kitty in the World, and Beyond Including But Not Limited to all Known Galaxies, Ever Esq. This is my blog.


This is my perch from where I view my kingdom; the universe.