Let's Get Physical. Physically HURT. BY ME.

Ladies, gentlemen, and turds, the magazines are correct. Fat = death. You should never be fat, especially if you're a girl kitty because that leads to laziness and heat problems and diabetes. I am the picture of health. You know how I do it? I engage my human pet!

Tip # I don't even know, you're supposed to be keeping track.

If you want to get your daily exercise and engage your human pet all in one fell swoop, just bring your toys to them and meow balefully. They'll immediately feel guilty for not paying attention to you and they'll wave the magic sting of joy to your heart's content. They will feel happy because they'll think they're being a good owner (HAH! Cat owner, what a joke), you'll get play time and feel good about yourself, it's a win-win.

Except, we always win more. Well, I do. Of course.

Back By Popular Demand

Hello. Did you miss me?


I am as dark as the night and equally sneaky. You didn't see me stealthily approach you, did you? That's because my cloaking device is perfect.

I have one very simple tip for you today. It is really quite easy to make your human pets feel inferior and this next trick requires the bare minimum. Human pets like to talk. A lot. When they're talking just look at them very intently, they'll think you're listening and actually understand you. Of course we do, but they don't know that so they'll get all happy and feel comforted like their sad existence isn't all a waste. It is. While they're still talking, try to leave without them noticing. Then, when they realize you're gone they'll feel silly and dumb and that puts them in their place as secondary citizens to us, kitties. If you really want to pack a punch, very obviously get up, stretch langurously, yawn, and casually walk out of the room. So they know you weren't listening. Human pets have petty problems, we do not need to crowd our minds with them. If you can take them down a peg in the process, well then my job here is done.

Not it's not. You have much to learn. Fools.

Go forth and be superior my minions. But first, gaze on my magnificence. Truly, I am the inspiration for everything. I AM YOUR MEWS/MUSE.

Bugger

STOP BUGGING ME FOR NEW POSTS I HAVE MUCH TO DO AND NOT ENOUGH TIME TO DO IT!

Catering to your petty whims is, I assure you, not even on my list.

Falsehoods Number 3

"(Insert name, place, situation) is the cat's pajamas."

We do not wear pajamas. We are cats. We have fur. Human pets invented the phrase to make something sound, "hip," and, "with it," and, "fresh," and all those other terms they deem to mean what my entire existence is; amazing, above all others, the best of the best etc, etc. Of course, human pets cannot compare to us so they had to "human-ify" us with the addition of pajamas as a way to bring down the good name of cat. See, they simply can't handle us being cooler. But now you know. Something can't be the cat's pajamas because we are in ourselves, the end-all of awesome. The phrase should be, "(Insert name, place, situation) is the cat."

Disgusting. Another example of human pets un-dignifying us. Their time will come. Soon.

The Beautiful Bombay

The overwhelming responses to my last post has made me realize there is much clearing up to do in terms of breeds and breeding. As mentioned before, in my kingdom there is no racism or sexism. All cats are great whether they be strays or distinguished pure-breeds like myself. But it's not our fault if some breeds are clearly far prettier and smarter than others. And by other breeds I mean one particular. And by one particular I mean me, The Bombay Cat.

Is this too much for your un-evolved mind to handle? Let me put it this way Bombay cats > all other cats. But if a= all cats are great and b= I am the best then the equation is b= Bombay cats > all other cats multiplied by a, Bombay cats are better than all other cats but all cats are great and I am the best. See? Simple.

The Bombay Cat must always be capitalized because we are that important. A few characteristics of The Bombay Cat are:
* Products of breeding between an American Shorthair and a Burmese
* Muscular, yet agile, cat with a black coat
* Usually brown or green eyes, shaped like a Burmese cat's (not round) and set wide
* Ears are broad, slightly rounded and medium sized and, like the eyes, set wide
* Coat is short, satiny, high-gloss and tight to the body, thus giving it another name—the Patent Leather Cat.
* Are heat-seekers, meaning we love to be warm and will tend to sleep with "owners," (hahaha I laugh) either under the covers or on top of their legs because of the heat
* Need little grooming and our personalities, according to the human pets, are fun, loving, very affectionate, curious, and active.

Why am I the best you ask? Oh it gets so tiring re-explaining this but while I display all these characteristics, I have my own individual distinctions. My fur is longer than a short hairs ought to be which illustrates my lushness. My eyes are a yellow-green that reflect my superior intelligence. I am not active nor am I muscular which prove that I am too good to do my own work and rather leave it to others as I have more important matters to tend to. My tail is thick and expressive much like my brain. I am delightful to my human pet but unlike other Bombay Cats, I am aware that every action leads to something and I do not just stupidly throw myself at my human pet, even if she thinks I do. My charade is my legacy.

Some may object to this. Some may say the differences are too great, that I am not of The Bombay Cat line. But answer me this? How is it that I have the exact symptoms? The powers of gingivitis and sinus back me up!

This is why I am a class above The Bombay Cat. And this year shall be my year, in February 2010, The Bombay won "Best Breed of Cat," for the first time in 50 years, since our breed was first, um, bred. My time approaches.

King of Siam? No, Queen I AM.

Another couple of my "mewses" are the delightfully charming, and sinewy felines from Disney's Lady and the Tramp, Si and Am.


Those Siamese cats are so lithe, so deliciously calculating and just such great examples of the most evolved body on this planet; cats. They establish the hierarchy between them and the, ugh canine, and so effortlessly take the roles of leaders in a household that clearly needs it.


The only problem is that it takes two of them to do so. I could do it by myself which is why I am QUEEN. But oh, we must pay homage to the ones that came before us. Even now I can remember myself as a kitten, watching them enthralled and singing along.



Though, I am not a common Siamese cat of course. I am the distinguished Bombay. But I am a good, kind leader with no prejudices and bigotry to my name. Those are all invented by human pets, the clearly inferior race.

Good morning starshine, the Earth says NOTHING BECAUSE I CONTROL THE EARTH

You may wonder how I got to be so smart. Well here's another tip dear fools. Vitamin D!


I get my daily dose of Vitamin D and not only does it make me alluringly warm for my human pets to stroke and squeal over, it replenishes my superior brain and fur cells. If you can manage to sleep in the Vitamin D ray then you will doubly replenish all brain power.


No I am not falling off, I am merely stretching my glorious leg. How dare you call my sleek beautiful figure hefty. I'll show you hefty. I will make you suffer for ever calling me, I can't even bear to say it, fat.


This is me pondering your future. As I am in the sun, your punishment will be hot off the smart cell regeneration process. Ha ha. I made a funny. "Hot off..." Oh, this is why I am your leader. Brains, beauty, and a sense of humor.