Back By Popular Demand

Hello. Did you miss me?


I am as dark as the night and equally sneaky. You didn't see me stealthily approach you, did you? That's because my cloaking device is perfect.

I have one very simple tip for you today. It is really quite easy to make your human pets feel inferior and this next trick requires the bare minimum. Human pets like to talk. A lot. When they're talking just look at them very intently, they'll think you're listening and actually understand you. Of course we do, but they don't know that so they'll get all happy and feel comforted like their sad existence isn't all a waste. It is. While they're still talking, try to leave without them noticing. Then, when they realize you're gone they'll feel silly and dumb and that puts them in their place as secondary citizens to us, kitties. If you really want to pack a punch, very obviously get up, stretch langurously, yawn, and casually walk out of the room. So they know you weren't listening. Human pets have petty problems, we do not need to crowd our minds with them. If you can take them down a peg in the process, well then my job here is done.

Not it's not. You have much to learn. Fools.

Go forth and be superior my minions. But first, gaze on my magnificence. Truly, I am the inspiration for everything. I AM YOUR MEWS/MUSE.

Falsehoods Number 3

"(Insert name, place, situation) is the cat's pajamas."

We do not wear pajamas. We are cats. We have fur. Human pets invented the phrase to make something sound, "hip," and, "with it," and, "fresh," and all those other terms they deem to mean what my entire existence is; amazing, above all others, the best of the best etc, etc. Of course, human pets cannot compare to us so they had to "human-ify" us with the addition of pajamas as a way to bring down the good name of cat. See, they simply can't handle us being cooler. But now you know. Something can't be the cat's pajamas because we are in ourselves, the end-all of awesome. The phrase should be, "(Insert name, place, situation) is the cat."

Disgusting. Another example of human pets un-dignifying us. Their time will come. Soon.

The Beautiful Bombay

The overwhelming responses to my last post has made me realize there is much clearing up to do in terms of breeds and breeding. As mentioned before, in my kingdom there is no racism or sexism. All cats are great whether they be strays or distinguished pure-breeds like myself. But it's not our fault if some breeds are clearly far prettier and smarter than others. And by other breeds I mean one particular. And by one particular I mean me, The Bombay Cat.

Is this too much for your un-evolved mind to handle? Let me put it this way Bombay cats > all other cats. But if a= all cats are great and b= I am the best then the equation is b= Bombay cats > all other cats multiplied by a, Bombay cats are better than all other cats but all cats are great and I am the best. See? Simple.

The Bombay Cat must always be capitalized because we are that important. A few characteristics of The Bombay Cat are:
* Products of breeding between an American Shorthair and a Burmese
* Muscular, yet agile, cat with a black coat
* Usually brown or green eyes, shaped like a Burmese cat's (not round) and set wide
* Ears are broad, slightly rounded and medium sized and, like the eyes, set wide
* Coat is short, satiny, high-gloss and tight to the body, thus giving it another name—the Patent Leather Cat.
* Are heat-seekers, meaning we love to be warm and will tend to sleep with "owners," (hahaha I laugh) either under the covers or on top of their legs because of the heat
* Need little grooming and our personalities, according to the human pets, are fun, loving, very affectionate, curious, and active.

Why am I the best you ask? Oh it gets so tiring re-explaining this but while I display all these characteristics, I have my own individual distinctions. My fur is longer than a short hairs ought to be which illustrates my lushness. My eyes are a yellow-green that reflect my superior intelligence. I am not active nor am I muscular which prove that I am too good to do my own work and rather leave it to others as I have more important matters to tend to. My tail is thick and expressive much like my brain. I am delightful to my human pet but unlike other Bombay Cats, I am aware that every action leads to something and I do not just stupidly throw myself at my human pet, even if she thinks I do. My charade is my legacy.

Some may object to this. Some may say the differences are too great, that I am not of The Bombay Cat line. But answer me this? How is it that I have the exact symptoms? The powers of gingivitis and sinus back me up!

This is why I am a class above The Bombay Cat. And this year shall be my year, in February 2010, The Bombay won "Best Breed of Cat," for the first time in 50 years, since our breed was first, um, bred. My time approaches.