Let's Get Physical. Physically HURT. BY ME.

Ladies, gentlemen, and turds, the magazines are correct. Fat = death. You should never be fat, especially if you're a girl kitty because that leads to laziness and heat problems and diabetes. I am the picture of health. You know how I do it? I engage my human pet!

Tip # I don't even know, you're supposed to be keeping track.

If you want to get your daily exercise and engage your human pet all in one fell swoop, just bring your toys to them and meow balefully. They'll immediately feel guilty for not paying attention to you and they'll wave the magic sting of joy to your heart's content. They will feel happy because they'll think they're being a good owner (HAH! Cat owner, what a joke), you'll get play time and feel good about yourself, it's a win-win.

Except, we always win more. Well, I do. Of course.

Back By Popular Demand

Hello. Did you miss me?


I am as dark as the night and equally sneaky. You didn't see me stealthily approach you, did you? That's because my cloaking device is perfect.

I have one very simple tip for you today. It is really quite easy to make your human pets feel inferior and this next trick requires the bare minimum. Human pets like to talk. A lot. When they're talking just look at them very intently, they'll think you're listening and actually understand you. Of course we do, but they don't know that so they'll get all happy and feel comforted like their sad existence isn't all a waste. It is. While they're still talking, try to leave without them noticing. Then, when they realize you're gone they'll feel silly and dumb and that puts them in their place as secondary citizens to us, kitties. If you really want to pack a punch, very obviously get up, stretch langurously, yawn, and casually walk out of the room. So they know you weren't listening. Human pets have petty problems, we do not need to crowd our minds with them. If you can take them down a peg in the process, well then my job here is done.

Not it's not. You have much to learn. Fools.

Go forth and be superior my minions. But first, gaze on my magnificence. Truly, I am the inspiration for everything. I AM YOUR MEWS/MUSE.

The Beautiful Bombay

The overwhelming responses to my last post has made me realize there is much clearing up to do in terms of breeds and breeding. As mentioned before, in my kingdom there is no racism or sexism. All cats are great whether they be strays or distinguished pure-breeds like myself. But it's not our fault if some breeds are clearly far prettier and smarter than others. And by other breeds I mean one particular. And by one particular I mean me, The Bombay Cat.

Is this too much for your un-evolved mind to handle? Let me put it this way Bombay cats > all other cats. But if a= all cats are great and b= I am the best then the equation is b= Bombay cats > all other cats multiplied by a, Bombay cats are better than all other cats but all cats are great and I am the best. See? Simple.

The Bombay Cat must always be capitalized because we are that important. A few characteristics of The Bombay Cat are:
* Products of breeding between an American Shorthair and a Burmese
* Muscular, yet agile, cat with a black coat
* Usually brown or green eyes, shaped like a Burmese cat's (not round) and set wide
* Ears are broad, slightly rounded and medium sized and, like the eyes, set wide
* Coat is short, satiny, high-gloss and tight to the body, thus giving it another name—the Patent Leather Cat.
* Are heat-seekers, meaning we love to be warm and will tend to sleep with "owners," (hahaha I laugh) either under the covers or on top of their legs because of the heat
* Need little grooming and our personalities, according to the human pets, are fun, loving, very affectionate, curious, and active.

Why am I the best you ask? Oh it gets so tiring re-explaining this but while I display all these characteristics, I have my own individual distinctions. My fur is longer than a short hairs ought to be which illustrates my lushness. My eyes are a yellow-green that reflect my superior intelligence. I am not active nor am I muscular which prove that I am too good to do my own work and rather leave it to others as I have more important matters to tend to. My tail is thick and expressive much like my brain. I am delightful to my human pet but unlike other Bombay Cats, I am aware that every action leads to something and I do not just stupidly throw myself at my human pet, even if she thinks I do. My charade is my legacy.

Some may object to this. Some may say the differences are too great, that I am not of The Bombay Cat line. But answer me this? How is it that I have the exact symptoms? The powers of gingivitis and sinus back me up!

This is why I am a class above The Bombay Cat. And this year shall be my year, in February 2010, The Bombay won "Best Breed of Cat," for the first time in 50 years, since our breed was first, um, bred. My time approaches.

Good morning starshine, the Earth says NOTHING BECAUSE I CONTROL THE EARTH

You may wonder how I got to be so smart. Well here's another tip dear fools. Vitamin D!


I get my daily dose of Vitamin D and not only does it make me alluringly warm for my human pets to stroke and squeal over, it replenishes my superior brain and fur cells. If you can manage to sleep in the Vitamin D ray then you will doubly replenish all brain power.


No I am not falling off, I am merely stretching my glorious leg. How dare you call my sleek beautiful figure hefty. I'll show you hefty. I will make you suffer for ever calling me, I can't even bear to say it, fat.


This is me pondering your future. As I am in the sun, your punishment will be hot off the smart cell regeneration process. Ha ha. I made a funny. "Hot off..." Oh, this is why I am your leader. Brains, beauty, and a sense of humor.

Pissing the Night Away

My human pet put my litter box on the second floor of her new pet castle. Hmph. I did not appreciate having to climb stairs every time I needed to see about my business. So I peed on the bathroom rug for two days straight. While I was doing this, I spent my days following her around the house, mewing loudly to get her attention, and climbing on her chest every time she sat down somewhere, pinning her down and purring loudly so she couldn't move and had to rub my neck and kiss my ears. When she found out, I employed The Big Eye Effect and she just stroked my head and told me it was okay. My litter now resides in the very place I soiled.

What is the lesson learned here today? Affection can get you everywhere. Even if you've been a bad girl. Mwahahaha, in my world, bad is just the beginning. Silly humans, rules are for chumps.

My big, important head. Where big, important thoughts happen.

Public Service Announcement

Hey punk, you taking to me? Huh, what's that? You dare address me? I will crush you. Get me food. Now.

Lucifer Rising

So my human pet Leyla likes to prattle on about her "muses" and inspirations and started her blog to get her creative juices flowing. How silly. How lame. I don't need an outlet to make myself do something, if I want something I just get it. It magically happens. But sometimes I do have to resort to clever tricks. Which is why I started writing because as you know, I am wise beyond my years. Let me introduce The Big Eye Effect. This maneuver will get you whatever you want especially if it's human pets that you are demanding things from. Sit back on your butt with your feet neatly aligned and back straight. If you can, hold your front paws up for maximum cuteness. Then look up at them adoringly and widen your eyes. Widen them until they can't widen anymore and then widen them some more. The wider and bigger they look the more effective they'll be. Take this kitty as an example.


This is an excellent depiction of The Big Eye Effect. I myself do it better of course.




But the overall aim is to get your human pets to do your bidding. I find this look works best when I need food. Mmm food. I love food. I must go have some now.

Okay, I'm back. Anyway, because I am far superior to my personal human pet, I shall introduce you to my biggest inspiration. Lucifer, the talented actor from Cinderella.




He is amazing. He is intelligent and cunning and handsome and gets everything he wants from his pets even when he is being mean. This is what you must strive for; manipulation without detection. Never forget that simple sentence. Repeat with me, manipulation without detection. Of course, Cinderella didn't really fall for it but she wasn't really that important in the film anyway. This is my best Lucifer imitation.


We are both majestic in our looks and size. That is all for today mortals.

Welcome to Your Nightmare.

Haha what a loser. Nothing compared to the svelte goddess that is magnificent me.


I'd like to take this moment to explain my "blog" as the humans call it. My human pet Leyla has one and it seems to give her great joy to post silly pictures and writings from her boring life. I realized that if people are willing to put up with her drivel, they will be bowled over by the wonder, the splendor, the simple bliss that is the adventures of my life. I will be reporting to you my thoughts on food (my favorite of all mortal inventions), my inspirations (especially Lucifer. The cat from Cinderella not the fallen angel, you simpleton), and tips on how to become the ruler of the universe, a role I have humbly taken upon myself. Though I should add a certain disclaimer. These tips are a way for me to pass on my wisdom to you lesser beings. If you try to use the against me, if you so much as dare to even think of the word, "coup," I will destroy you faster than a bag of kitty treats.

Well! Shall we get started then? Here's the first one tip; always pretend like your human pet is the most important thing in your life. This makes them so happy that they delight in serving your every whim. Bonus: Never forget just how easily these human pets can be manipulated.


Little does she know, I barfed in her bed.